Faith

I grew up in a Roman Catholic environment. I was baptized when I was 4 years old, and I went to Catholic school (SRL and MCS) until 16 when I started attending public school in Los Angeles. Before L.A., going to church, attending Sunday school, studying bible, partipating in various Catholic cell groups, etc. were all normal course of life. I never doubt about my religion because there was no room for such when I was surrounded by many religious people.

The two years I spent in L.A. finishing the last two years of high school sorta changed things a bit. There's no such thing as school mass in public school, and no "religious study" class is required. I have the option of choosing whether to go to mass on Sunday. And for a while, I chose not to go. But I didn't know why I made that choice.

When I started college in Berkeley, I started going to mass again every Sunday (at 11pm) near campus, for very odd reasons. 1, the father was very cool and entertaining; 2, I want to take a break from studying (such bad reason!); and 3, many of my floormate at Foothill, including some who are of other religion, actually want to go with me so it became a social activity. For four years, I went to church almost every Sunday. BUT when I went home for summer, Christmas break or whatever, I'd shy away from church again. I didn't feel like I belong there.

Things have been going on-and-off for the last 10 years. It was unfortunately that I did not surround myself with people who share the same religion. I still go to church, but only on "key" dates -- hence a friend once called me a "CEO" Catholic, which stands for "Christmas and Easter Only" Catholic. I did correct her because I also go to church on Ash Wednesday...so I suppose that makes me an A(ssistant) CEO. Not good. I knew deep inside, I feel very peaceful when I am in the church. For 10 years I didn't make an effort to change that situation.I even blame it on the preaching style of the fathers at the church I go to.

Last Sunday, I was at LSW's home and our friend J told us a story that happen to her earlier that day. She meant to attend the mass at 11:30am but miss it. Instead of skipping church that day, she decided to attend the 12:45pm mass, which would have made her late for LSW's birthday cake cutting ritual. Of her surprise, she was blessed with an excellent gospel reading and preaching by a guest father. J told us that she realized that God has already paved out a path for us, and we'll just go along. Before J told us the story, Auntie P actually asked me ealrier if I went to church that morning, and I told her "no because I don't like the father." She told me NOT to be picky. J's story strikes me immediately -- have I been making unconcious choice which steered me away from the "path?"

This thought has been hovering in my head the last few days. I finally realize that I am long to go back to my religion, for the right purpose this time -- I want to be drawn near God. Tomorrow is Sunday. I don't have a good track record of waking up early for Sunday mass but I am making a promise to myself that I will be at the 9:30am mass. I want to seek that "peace" -- to seek that state of balance and understanding in myself (and between others). This will be my first step to take.